RHODES TOWN, ISLAND OF RHODES, GREECE

by Dan Winters (posted by his more techy savvy daughter)

"Vacation calories don't count" -- Rue Lata

  

If Nafplia is past elegance and Athens is future apocalypse, then Rhodes is freakin' Cancun—hundreds of mega resorts, thousands of beach lounges and an invasion of the Northern Europe tribes. Rhodes has a lot of important history, the most famous the Colossus of Rhodes, a 100 foot statue of somebody (neither Trump or Lebron). It was one of the ancient Seven Wonders of the World. Unfortunately, we just missed seeing it, as it was destroyed 2,200 years ago by the same tribes that now vacation here. We decided to sample the magnificence of this famed, now besieged, island.

A.    Guppy Pedicure. Yes we spent 5 euros to have two inch long guppy looking fish nibble away at our heels. It was creepy. Carol said, "They are no different than the IRS when you make some money."

B.    Traditional Greek Food Special. Tasty and based on the core principles of Midwest American cooking. If you cook anything (meat, starch, vegetables) long enough and drown it in sauce also cooked long enough, everything will taste exactly the same and it is unlikely you have to douse anything with ketchup.

C.    Ferry Ride to WWII. We signed up for a ferry to the other end of the island. For two hours we steamed by the rugged, character lined cliffs and mountains of Rhodes until we got to the caves that housed the legendary "Guns of Navarone", of WWII movie fame. When you are at the Parthenon and the crowds are down and it is quiet (last time was 1956, I think), they say that one can almost hear the senators and Caesars speak. Same along these cliffs, except it's the ace Allied special demolition team of Gregory Peck, David Niven, Anthony Quinn and the British actor who is always in charge of the secret desperate operation but you never know his name. Well his name is Richard Attenborough or Anthony Quayle or maybe Jack Hawkins. I hope that clears it up.

D.    Search for the Perfect Aegean Beach. At the far end of our ferry ride was a sand beach that should at least make the Sweet Sixteen of Beaches. Lindos Bay is as was said in the 60's "totally boss". It sits protected on three and a half sides and is towered over by a

cute whitewashed village that hangs on a cliff midway and a dual threat antiquity at the to—a medieval fortress with those wall openings perfect for archers or boiling oil dumping and a surprise mini-Acropolis. The top is a five euro donkey ride. We bailed.

Partly because of anticruelty to jackasses concerns (Carol says except Trump and Fox News) but mostly because we are cold turkeying all Acropolises (Acropoli?), maybe for life. The only thing that might keep Lindos Bay out of the Elite Eight of Beaches is the disturbing lack of toilet paper at the beach WCs - usually a mandatory point reduction.

E.    Culinary Back Roads of Rhodes - We met a classy New Zealand woman, Rachel, who had key insider information—a list of trendy, locals only, restaurants. We decided to go out to dinner together. Tanden was the self described "smallest

restaurant in Rhodes Town." There was a long waiting line— that trendy. We don't know much about Norway, but our guess is that it is not famous for its comedians. You Google "Norse Humor" and you get nothing. The guy in front of us in line turned out to be Gunnar, a hilarious Norwegian wise ass. His t-shirt "Bon Jour Bitches" should have been a clue. The restaurant comped the waiting line-standers with fluted glasses of Sangria, we ask Gunnar how long the wait was. He said, "I am not waiting. This is the only place in town where you can drink free." He was with his cousins, his girlfriend and her kids. They were smart enough to be cocktailing at the bar across the street while Gunnar held a place in line. He said, "Yes, waiting for a table for 7 in a 12 table place. We are the clog in the sewage line." According to Gunnar, Norwegian weather was "Shitty. Even when it's good, you think, well it's going to be shitty soon," and Norwegian food, "What food, first night you have cod, it's OK, second night, not so Ok. Third night, coma."  The food was good at Tanden, but the only trendy element was vertical stacking. You know how they pile the fish on top of the mash potatoes which is on top of the veggies. Carol and I oppose it. We are from Illinois, there is no vertical there. It is flat. It is a horizontal state. The tallest place in the state used to be a garbage dump in Cicero. We like our food flat.